Here we go, it’s finally catching up to me. All the sleepless nights have left me physically fatigued, but oh no, never mentally and emotionally, which is what I need to feel in order to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve honestly stopped counting the number of hours I get each night, all I know is that before I actually fall asleep, I hear birds tweeting and the sunlight creeping past my blinds. Then I get depressed before I enter that sleep state because I know I’ve gotten maybe a few hours at best. Just so you guys know, this is going to be a ramble-y post, with no particular topic in mind or poignant discussions. There will be no thought-provoking questions, no crazy feeling talk, no making you look back on your own life and prodding through memories. Just good old fashion rambling about sleepless nights. If you don’t want to read past this sentence, I swear I completely understand. I’m good like that.

I bet when you guys read the title, a good portion of you thought to finish it with “…in Seattle.” You’d be right to, cause I always seem to do it every time. It’s a good movie, one of the first few romantic comedy films to really strike into the heart of everyone watching it. It’s loveable, it’s quirky and you just can’t dislike it. To anyone who does dislike the film, well I don’t know what to say to you except that you’re a cold bastard that needs some loving. Anyway it’s a really nice film, you ought to see it if you haven’t already. The only problem I really have with this movie is that it set the tone for future romantic comedies about a ‘feeling.’ It set unrealistic goals for both men and women alike, searching for this ‘feeling.’ It’s gotten to the point where someone can use the fact that they’re looking for this ‘feeling’ and just simply don’t feel it to break up with somebody else. It’s quite senseless, if you put it into perspective. You’re so desperate on finding this ‘feeling’, and that you would know as soon as you felt it that you’re completely closing yourself off to anybody that you can potentially have that ‘feeling’ for, all because you’re looking for it at first contact. You’re setting yourself up to overlook somebody that’s potentially perfect for you because of this ‘feeling.’

I must sound like a cynical bastard. I will come out right now and say that I don’t know what this ‘feeling’ is supposed to be. I don’t know what it feels like. The general consensus in every movie seems to be that you will know this ‘feeling’ as soon as you meet the ‘one’. Oh man, I can talk forever about this. I will discuss my stance on this much more in the next post I’m going to write up. The point is, these are the kind of things that can cause sleepless nights. Over-thinking feelings and life; you may as well call it insomnia. I think I just had a medicinal breakthrough. I’m just kidding I’m sure they’ve discovered the cause of insomnia a long time ago. I hope.

I don’t know if I have insomnia or not. I mean I seem to be able to sleep, even if just for a few hours. My mind just never. ever. stops. It races a million miles an hour every night, always thinking about the same person. Everything to do with the person. It was especially bad last night cause I had my nice music on, temperature was perfect, I was under the covers all snuggled up nice and warm, ready to fall right asleep. Sounds good right? Wrong. A good five minutes later, I found a solitary strand of her hair on my blanket. Seriously? A further five minutes later, a song that we established was “our song” unexpectedly came up on the radio. What the hell, life? Are you trying to leave me sleepless?

I’m plagued by the consequences of my choices and decisions from the moment I wake to the point where I fall asleep. My only solace comes from the few hours in between. Even then, sometimes, all of this spills into my unconscious mind and I dream about her. Most of the time I dream about the good memories, the ones where we were just cuddling and watching a movie, or just hanging out and laughing and being ourselves. That was how it was, and I miss it very badly. Whenever I have these dreams, most of the time I don’t want to wake up, but I wake up at the best parts anyway. God damn it. Haha.

Point is, all this crap comes up right when I’m trying to fall asleep. That’s not to say that it doesn’t come up during the day, but at least I can busy myself with other things if it hits me during the day. In the night time however, when you’re all alone in your bed with your thoughts, it’s much harder to escape. You may as well surrender to another sleepless night.

Also, I’m sorry for lying in my first paragraph. Turns out it did become a sort of a ramble about feelings and other angst-y shit. I even included that in the tags! Haha. Take care everyone, get a good night’s rest in memory of me 🙂